The Other Side of the Coin

When I first learned that I was suppose to visit the homes of our TD kids I was panicking because I am alone and second I didn't know how everything would go. I thought we'd have to visit all eight students and like I said, I am alone. Honestly, I was partly hoping it didn't have to be done while maybe, just maybe a part of me wanted to do it.

The Homevisit, of course, pushed through. I was so careless that I forgot to ask where my student lives and my student's name is Raiza. Accompanying us on our voyage was CJ and Louislyn, my other two students. Anyway, it was only on the day itself, Nov.7, that she told me that she lives in San Mateo, Rizal. I was so afraid 'cause I didn't know how to get back or how to get there. In spite of my fear though, it was relinquished when it was Raiza leading the way(obviously, it is her home XD). We got to her home by first walking, taking two jeeps then walking again. Upon arriving at the area(not the house yet, it's a few minutes more), I saw how wrecked their area was and how much it hadn't been repaired. There were still mounds of mud around and dust surrounding the whole vicinity. Around two minutes later, near their home, across the distance I saw the river colored brown and trees and rubbish all around. In spite of all this though, the kids were joking around like daring each other to jump into the mud or jump into the river(weird, they might get hurt and get filthy and all that). When I get to the house though, the homevisit, officially began.

At their home I was greeted by her mother, and her mother introduced me to her husband and child. Unfortunately, I forgot the name of her mother but miraculously I remember her husband's name which is Ryan. I stayed there for around two hours, talking about her daughter, telling stories, talking about the storm, about scholarships(didn't ask for it),their school life, their lives and all that. When I told them all about how their child was doing an excellent job with her grades. Her mom replied, "Talagang masipag na bata 'yan, mana sa side ng daddy nya." She kept saying how she's so glad her daughter is so smart and hardworking. When she talked about her life she talked about how she lacked education and money. I won't say everything we talked about, but what struck me most was when she was talking about her daughter, dreams and their lives.

She told me, she believes in her daughter so much and that she wants her to go to a great school but they can't afford for it. Great it is that her daughter actually gets high grades and I think she has the chance of getting a scholarship. Raiza, works hard and is really smart girl. Other than being proud of her daughter, she said that her dreams or anyone's dreams in their family can only be fulfilled by someone who has the chance to and she believes that her daughter can do it. She believes her daughter will become successful and hopes that she'll be able to do well in life. Raiza's mother, believes in her daughter so much 'cause of the situation they're in. She has no money and her husband has just been working again for 2 weeks. She only lives off her sister's graces because her sister is an OFW. Graces, meaning their house, food and some necessities.

Honestly, I feel sad for them and helpless. I feel sad 'cause all their hopes are burdened on their children. I feel helpless 'cause I'm just a teenager with no job whatsoever.

These are things I will always remember: I have a blessed life, there are people who are struggling with life, I have more opportunities, the actions and consequences I have/make and the effect of education.

Every time I experience volunteer work, I always realize how blessed I am and I shouldn't take anything for granted that I have a luxurious life compared to others. Other people's lives on the other hand though, are not as luxurious as it may seem. They have to rely so much on others to live and some of the areas they live in is not conducive to bring up children.

Compared to my TD kids, I have so much more opportunity to choose my way of life. I can choose which school to go to or what goals I want to achieve as long as I work hard and stay disciplined. Sad for my TD kids, they don't even have the choice to really choose which college they can go to or what goals can achieve(requiring a lot of money and etc.)

One insight I learned, is that all the actions and consequences can take such a big toll on life. The mom of Raiza said herself that she wasn't able to finish school and currently she has so job nor money. In turn, she can only put her daughter in a public school. Hopefully though, if Raiza does well, she can get into a great school.

Lastly, the effect of education. Like I said, Raiza studies well and is a hardworker whilst her mom didn't even finish school. Education, is really such a big deal. It's so important that it effects so many aspects of life and proof of this is Raiza and her mom. Her mom didn't finish an education same as her husband and now their only hope is their daughter.

Anyway, apart from what I said above. I have an experience to say and actually something about me. I never really ride jeeps. I never have ridden a jeep on my own before. Even till now, I have not. During this homevisit, the one's guiding me were Raiza and Louislyn. Without them, I would've gotten lost. God maybe, is telling me to learn how to fend for myself 'cause soon I will be going to college and the college I want to go to is UP.

I hope all I have said, makes sense, and hopefully all I have said has made a significant change in my life.

Dear God, thank you for the wonderful life you have given me and others you have given the privilege as you have given me. I hope all the people's lives will soon one day change in someway through me or someone else giving a piece of their own life. A life which can shine someone else's life to become glorious. I thank you too, for opening my eyes to reality and telling me to not take for granted my own life. I pray, not to continue having a luxurious life. I pray, that those who do not share the same blessing as I do may someday be showered with the light you have given the world. Amen

Bothered

I know what you're thinking. It seems like I may start making more titles like troubled or bothered, any synonym or something. But, I'll try not to.

So far, I still have a hard time with my thoughts. Most of the time or all the time, in my head, I curse at my girlfriend. I'm not mad at her or annoyed at her. I'm actually not so sure. Well, it really helps for me when I tell her what I'm thinking and I'm trying to not get so bothered by it. True enough, it also helps if I say it here on the blog. I don't really want to say what I call her in my head, but it's bad enough to hurt her. Up till now, I think about it so much, and I am so sorry to her.. Especially when I disrespected her and her home.. I am so sorry about that too.. I have no excuse to even disrespect her nor her home.. I'm sorry..

Another thing that has been bothering me is the way I treat gaming. Honestly, the more I put importance to it or prioritize it, it destroys me in such way that I destroy my relationship with people, especially my girlfriend. I get so addicted to gaming that it seems like I become a different person. But I'll try.. I don't want to lose my love 'cause of what I do.. I keep telling her I'm trying to change, but I'm taking so long to change. It's like I'm taking baby steps to change how I am and how I act.. I'm sorry baby... Thanks for being patient though..

Apart from all that drama. Weirdly, it's my first day today. haha. I partly felt like I wanted people to welcome me back 'cause I was absent the first few days. I partly got what I wanted, haha. A felt a bit awkward on the first day, i'm not really sure why. Maybe, it's 'cause i'm just starting out,meeting my teachers for the first time and seeing all my classmates again.

Well, I was also thinking a lot today too, mainly my relationship with Tal. Well, I get to it in another blog in detail. To summarize it, I was just thinking mostly of the mistakes I've been doing, the hardships we've been facing and where this is all going.

Anyway, I hope I'm going to have a fun and memorable school. Hopefully, I do well and not be "so" lazy. haha.

Till next time.

Troubled

Well, I've written maybe a few blogs, which are on multiply.com, in my life. But, today is a new day, a new dawn. I've been inspired and actually troubled as a matter of fact. I think that maybe, typing, saying my feelings will truly be helpful to myself, and to my love, Talia.

To start things off, yes, I've been inspired. By who you think? By only one person, her name is Talia. I fell in love with her a year ago and right now, things sometimes don't go oh so well.
I admit, that it's usually 'cause of me. I say something wrong to her at a wrong time, or think something bad of her and I feel bothered of it and I tell her, or I just hurt her in some way some of us do. But, I'll get to all those in a bit. Talia, is a person I love so much, and she's the person I truly want to be with for the rest of my life. I want it to happen, I really do. But, we have to wait a few more years for marriage. I know I may be a bit young, but that's what I think. She's the kind of girl I want to be with. Believe it or not. I've actually made a list before of what kind of girl I'd fall her. Talia actually fits perfectly to the kind of girl I'd fall for. (I've told this to you Tal, and I know you know. =P) We've been together for more than a year, and I'm actually scared of how long we can keep this up.. To be honest I actually cried in front of her and asked her how we can keep this up.. So far, we have arguments here and there but we'll try getting through it.

Now, to get to even why I'm doing this. I started this blog because I've done so many wrong things to Tal.. I've hurt her so much.. I've disrespected her in so many ways, I've been uncaring towards to her several times, I've been so selfish to her sometimes, I've been so insensitive to her, I've said painful things to her and I've thought of bad things about her..
I've called her something so rude in my head, that it bothered me so much so I told her.. Several times.. I hurt her so much, too much 'cause it has become so repetetive. The mistakes and the arguments have become so repetetive. The arguments keep coming back 'cause of me and the only way for them to stop is for me to change. I promised that I'd try but I haven't even shown change. Maybe very minute changes but not enough to make her so happy.. I can say that I've failed of being a bestfriend and a boyfriend to her 'cause I haven't made things really easier for her. From the very start, she told me to be honest with her. I told her I would, but, I haven't done so.. This is one of the things that I've hurt her for.

Lately, I've been completely honest with her to the point of saying the things that I think 'cause they bothered me so much. I confessed the things I felt before and up till now.. truly, I'm really sorry to her for what I've done to her.. I've made her cry a million rivers and pained her tenfold compared to what she's felt before.. I told her that I'd change.. I promised her.. But I continue to hurt her.. I don't want the solution to be to end this relationship.. I'm afraid of it coming to us..

I'm trying to change.. But all I do is think to much.. And that's what led me to hurting her more.. It would make me so confused that I don't even realize what's right in front of my face..
I just really want to say to you Tal.. I'm sorry...
I'm sorry for cursing at you in my head, then telling you what I called you.. 'Cause it bothered me..
I don't intend to hurt you.. But I intend to change..

I love you Talia, oh so dearly.. I'm sorry for making you wait for so long..
Please.. Forgive me..