Troubled

Well, I've written maybe a few blogs, which are on multiply.com, in my life. But, today is a new day, a new dawn. I've been inspired and actually troubled as a matter of fact. I think that maybe, typing, saying my feelings will truly be helpful to myself, and to my love, Talia.

To start things off, yes, I've been inspired. By who you think? By only one person, her name is Talia. I fell in love with her a year ago and right now, things sometimes don't go oh so well.
I admit, that it's usually 'cause of me. I say something wrong to her at a wrong time, or think something bad of her and I feel bothered of it and I tell her, or I just hurt her in some way some of us do. But, I'll get to all those in a bit. Talia, is a person I love so much, and she's the person I truly want to be with for the rest of my life. I want it to happen, I really do. But, we have to wait a few more years for marriage. I know I may be a bit young, but that's what I think. She's the kind of girl I want to be with. Believe it or not. I've actually made a list before of what kind of girl I'd fall her. Talia actually fits perfectly to the kind of girl I'd fall for. (I've told this to you Tal, and I know you know. =P) We've been together for more than a year, and I'm actually scared of how long we can keep this up.. To be honest I actually cried in front of her and asked her how we can keep this up.. So far, we have arguments here and there but we'll try getting through it.

Now, to get to even why I'm doing this. I started this blog because I've done so many wrong things to Tal.. I've hurt her so much.. I've disrespected her in so many ways, I've been uncaring towards to her several times, I've been so selfish to her sometimes, I've been so insensitive to her, I've said painful things to her and I've thought of bad things about her..
I've called her something so rude in my head, that it bothered me so much so I told her.. Several times.. I hurt her so much, too much 'cause it has become so repetetive. The mistakes and the arguments have become so repetetive. The arguments keep coming back 'cause of me and the only way for them to stop is for me to change. I promised that I'd try but I haven't even shown change. Maybe very minute changes but not enough to make her so happy.. I can say that I've failed of being a bestfriend and a boyfriend to her 'cause I haven't made things really easier for her. From the very start, she told me to be honest with her. I told her I would, but, I haven't done so.. This is one of the things that I've hurt her for.

Lately, I've been completely honest with her to the point of saying the things that I think 'cause they bothered me so much. I confessed the things I felt before and up till now.. truly, I'm really sorry to her for what I've done to her.. I've made her cry a million rivers and pained her tenfold compared to what she's felt before.. I told her that I'd change.. I promised her.. But I continue to hurt her.. I don't want the solution to be to end this relationship.. I'm afraid of it coming to us..

I'm trying to change.. But all I do is think to much.. And that's what led me to hurting her more.. It would make me so confused that I don't even realize what's right in front of my face..
I just really want to say to you Tal.. I'm sorry...
I'm sorry for cursing at you in my head, then telling you what I called you.. 'Cause it bothered me..
I don't intend to hurt you.. But I intend to change..

I love you Talia, oh so dearly.. I'm sorry for making you wait for so long..
Please.. Forgive me..